3 Bizarre Beliefs Hollywood Has About Boobs

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The Breast is Where the Soul Is

Much like internet weirdos believe that “pee is stored in the balls,” filmmaking weirdos seem to be under the impression that “souls are stored in the boobs,” at least when it comes to non-human characters. Basically, if you have an alien anthropomorphic tree, bipedal lizard people, or killer toasters etc., then the ones with mammalian breasts will be more likely to help the hero or just be more emotional and noble and good than the rest of their species.

In the episode “The Lizard King” of the Spider-man Animated Series, The Lizard accidentally creates a bunch of humanoid lizard mutants in the sewers. Spider-man eventually defeats them with help from the ONLY female lizard of the main group, Gila. You can tell she was a girl because of her scaly sweater stuffers, even though lizards would have no use for breasts since they don’t nurse their young.

The exact same thing happens with Vastra from Doctor Who. She is part of a race of aggressive reptilian warriors who, in the old version of the show, were pretty androgynous. But in the new series, they were revamped, with emphasis on vamp. They put boobs on a lizard again, is what we’re saying, but they might as well have put a T-shirt that reads “I’m going to become good later” on Vastra because she totally does. Still, in the world of Doctor Who, we have Jabe, an anthropomorphic tree with breasts who, of course, ends up nobly sacrificing her life to save the day. Sappy, but wood you have it any other way?

Even robots aren’t immune to this. The mechanical Queen Machina from Power Rangers Zeo, for example, has robo boobs (roobs?), and although she is evil, she does exhibit the most emotions out of her entire family. She laments every monster that the Rangers destroy because to her, all of them are like her children, and she genuinely cares about them. She’s fiercely dedicated to her son and her husband, to the point where she would rather be thrown in a dungeon than betray him, all because she was built with metal mammaries.

Another interesting example is Seven of Nine from Star Trek: Voyager. Taken by the Borg and turned into a mindless cyborg drone, you could barely tell she was a woman when we first met her.

But once she becomes free of the Borg collective and turns good, she gets her iconic skintight suit so that her breasts can remind us that she is now on the side of the good guys. The show quite literally used breasts to symbolically chart the story of a character regaining her humanity. Her mammary humanity. Her … humammarity.

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Breasts Are the Female Muscles

Because Hollywood is such a progressive place–stop laughing, we’re still setting up the joke–it now gives us plenty of physically strong characters who can kick some serious ass. The thing is, though, it doesn’t really want to give them a lot of muscles because those are difficult to masturbate to (if you’re a coward.) So when asked how they plan to signal that a female character can break both necks and hearts, Hollywood thought about it for all of three seconds and wrote down “( o Y o )” as their answer. It’s uncertain if they actually understood the question, but since they’ve committed themselves, they decided to roll with it and pair every physically powerful character with a powerful pair.